Tea Time with my Ancestors

Each month, The Pagan Experience devotes one week to writing about 'deities and divinity'.  I feel it's important for me to not only write about my Gods, but also the other divinities that I honor.  For me as a Heathen, the Gods are of course a big deal.  But the spirits I feel closest to, in a more intimate, familiar way, are the land wights and my ancestors.  For me, the Gods often need to be called, welcomed into my home and heart.  But my ancestors?  They're already there - have always been there.  They are just as much family as my brothers or my children.

For quite awhile now, I've been following the old tradition of leaving a bit of the family meal out for the ancestors.  My husband is an atheist and slightly uncomfortable around religious rituals, so the plate isn't left on the table.  Instead, I make a point of placing it on my altar before sitting down to dinner.  This lacks a feeling of 'sharing' though - as if I've sent part of the family to their room and am serving them there.

Recently I've begun making tea for myself in the morning.  It's cold
outside, and the hot beverage is awesome - but I've found that few minutes of time to myself while I watch the water boil is just as valuable.  It occurred to me a few weeks ago that this was a fantastic ritual to share with my ancestors.  I pour the tea into two cups, one to place on my altar.  As I wait for mine to cool, I welcome my beloved dead and offer them the drink.  Then I will stand for awhile, sipping my tea, looking at their pictures and belongings - remembering their stories, their voices.  It's such a strong moment of communion, one in which I can completely focus on something I really care about.  It's calming and almost meditative, a quiet moment when the spirits speak to me through memories.

Making the Transition from Family to Ancestor

My husband's grandmother is in the hospital right now - she's been there for a few weeks already - and things have been busy and scary and bittersweet.  The doctors have told us that it's pretty much time to say goodbye. I wrote a more general post over on the Patheos Pagan Families blog about talking to my children about their great-grandmother's passing - but here I want to specifically address how to make this transition as a Heathen and a Heathen parent.

Earlier this year, my own grandfather passed away, and it was an incredibly difficult time for me.  I loved him very much, but I wasn't able to say goodbye.  I feel like this made the transition so much more difficult than it needed to be - I finally felt some connection with him when I visited the place where his ashes were scattered, keeping vigil during the night and meditating on my memories of him.  So here's my recommendations for Heathen kids (or any Pagan path that values ancestor worship) - or really anyone who is going through this difficult time.  These are only recommendations, things that have made this time easier for me; and of course everyone's grieving process will be different.

First, spend as much time as you can with your loved one while they are still physically with you.  Holding their hand, brushing their hair, just being able to talk to and touch them is such a valuable experience, and something you will treasure forever.  This end-of-life time is so important for both people - it is comforting to most who are facing their own death, and it eases the transition from member of the family to ancestor for those who will survive them.

After the person passes, begin talking and making offerings soon afterwards.  If you have the opportunity to stay with their body for awhile, do so - the practice of sitting out on the grave mound seems to imply that the ancient Germanic peoples believed in a connection between body and spirit even after death.  Talk to them just as you would have before.

If there is a service held in their memory, attend it.  It can be difficult for many of us to attend religious services that remind of painful times, but don't let a few Our Fathers or the evangelical pastor scare you away.  This time is about sharing memories and communicating with other loved ones of that person, a tradition that in my opinion couldn't be more Heathen!  Tell stories, laugh and cry, talk to people about the sides of your loved one you may not have known.  Don't get defensive about others' beliefs - just steer the conversation back to the person you both love.

Make adding their picture or things to your ancestor altar into a ceremony.  Address your loved one's ancestors and your own, and ask them to be welcomed in that group.  Address your loved one directly, talking much as you did before, perhaps leaving a favorite beverage or treat out.  When I did this for my grandfather, I told him about his funeral - we hadn't planned to invite anyone but immediate family to scatter his ashes, but as more people heard, more people began planning to show up, until we had a gaggle of cousins and aunts and uncles I hadn't seen in years.  He was so fun, and so generous, and so well-loved; nobody wanted to miss a chance to say goodbye to him.

Remember to grieve.  I see this a lot in my Christian friends - they'll say "he's with God now," as if that makes everything okay.  Yes, as Heathens we love our ancestors and they hold a very special place in our hearts - but it's alright to mourn the relationship you had before their passing.  Things are not the same, and it's important to recognize that.

Tell stories.  To keep the memory of your ancestors alive, the younger generations need to know about them.  My mother and father never really tell stories of their youth or their grandparents, but my grandmother loves to talk family history with me - and I repeat every single word of it to my own children.  To find their own place in the world, they need to know where they came from.  It may be painful or difficult at first - but that's okay.  Remember it's alright to grieve, and it is essential that we preserve the legacy of the ones we love in our hearts, and in the hearts of those who come after us.

My Oath Rite

Nerthus by ErebusOdora

It's getting to be that time.  I've been working on my Dedicant Path documentation for ADF on and off for more than two years, and I'm finally nearing the finish line (still have to do a write-up on my meditation practice, but that's going to take some compressing).  I've spoken with Amber, the Grove Organizer for Prairie Shadow Protogrove, and we've scheduled my Oath Rite to take place during our Samhain ritual.  So here I am, desperately trying to write an oath that is simple, addresses all the points I feel are necessary, has the right gravitas, and yet doesn't drag our ritual out to twice its usual running length!  After more than a few drafts, I feel ready to present it for critique - please let me know your thoughts!

I stand here tonight that I may make an oath before the Kindred, my friends, and my Goddess. This oath is the result of more than two years of study and dedicated practice in the tradition of Ár nDraíocht Féin, and the culmination of more than ten years following a Goddess of the dark, still earth.

Today I Oath to my Ancestors, to my lineage that stretches back to the once dark and wild forests, my Disir who guide me wisely, to my great-grandparents and my Grandpa Lee.  Ancestors, accept this offering, and hear my oath.

Today I Oath to the Landvaettir, to the house spirit who dwells in my home, the tree spirits around us, the spirit of the wide prairie and the brown river Goddess that spreads across it.  Landvaettir, accept this offering, and hear my oath.

Today I Oath to my Gods, to Nerthus my patron, the dark Goddess of the fertile earth and the wild places, to Her children Freya and Frey the divine twins, to Thor who brings the rain.  Gods, accept this offering, and hear my oath.

I swear to seek the knowledge of the past, and bring what I find of value in my Ancestor's practice into this time.

I swear to cherish the Earth and the spirits of the earth, and do what I can to reduce and heal the damage caused by my people.

I swear to honor the Gods and Goddesses, to maintain the relationship of hospitality between us, and to continue in my commitment to the service of Nerthus.

These things I swear before the burning Fire that sends up sparks to the sky, the dark Well that flows in the deeps, the sacred Tree that bridges the worlds. These things I swear before my Ancestors, the landvaettir and wights, and my Deities. These things I swear before all those gathered here, on these beads that have long taken my prayers for the Kindred. As I swear, so be it!

TC Blog Project: Family

This time of year, we start to hear a lot of talk about love.  And love in February is almost never referenced as the love between friends, the love of family, or even *gasp* a love for things.  No, our entire culture frames Valentine's Day - a celebration of love - as celebrating only romantic love.  Those who don't have romantic partners are said to be "alone on Valentine's", whether they will actually be physically alone or not.

I'd rather talk today about one of my favorite aspects of Heathenry: familial love.  For a long time, I considered myself the 'odd duck out' in many Heathen circles, being generally the most leftist of the US-politics liberals.  It's taken awhile, but I've come to realize that perhaps I found Heathenry because some part of me understood that, deep down, I actually hold a few traditional values.  One of the most important of these values, to me, is the importance of family.

Growing up, my immediate family was sort of the odd one in the extended family.  We were poor in a family full of middle-class, my mother was too Evangelical and my father too atheist, us kids were socially-awkward brainiacs and always wanted to play with the wrong genders.  And yet, despite the unspoken uncomfortableness surrounding those topics, the entire family was always warm and welcoming.  We were weird, but it didn't ultimately matter, because we were family.  There weren't any family feuds or in-fighting; we all got together on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter and made generally pleasant dinner conversation with each other.

Growing up, I didn't exactly appreciate how rare and precious a family like this is.  When I went to college, I basically cut all ties with everyone - I didn't speak to even my parents for about a year.  It wasn't until I found myself pregnant, faced with beginning my own family, that I began to appreciate just how amazing a good family can be.  The biggest recent influence on my concept of family has been my mother-in-law; she comes from a very traditional culture where it is a woman's duty to care for her house and her family.  She welcomed me with open arms, took me in as her daughter, claimed me as part of her family.  She cares for her elderly mother together with her three local sisters, all of whom work full-time, because it is her duty to love and honor her mother the way her mother loved and raised her.  I have watched her pour out her heart into the food she makes for our family dinner every Sunday; all of her love and good wishes and affection goes directly into the meal.  She holds the most love for family of anyone I've ever known - and though I aspire to be like her in caring for my own family, I must admit that I seldom hit the mark.

I'd like to be clear that by valuing family, I am not referencing only a traditional nuclear family.  That's how mine worked out, but it's certainly not the be-all, end-all.  I spent a large part of my life with my mother and step-father on one hand, and a single father on the other, and we were just as much family as anyone else.  Same goes for gay, poly, or whatever relationships - if you think of yourself as a family, you are.  This is a special kind of love, and no matter how some conservatives would like to play it, it is there for everyone to experience.

I try to give my children the good things I had growing up, while skipping over the worse ones.  We eat dinner together every night, no TV or other interruptions, and talk about our days.  I make it a point to talk to my kids in the car when we're driving somewhere.  I plan family celebrations - not just for my own holidays; I throw a darn good party for Eid twice a year too!  Just as my mother and grandmother did growing up, I tell stories of the ancestors I remember, and those that are still with us but who we don't have the opportunity to visit.  These are all religious acts for me.  The simple act of loving my family - and expressing that love by caring for them, cooking for them, making sure their lives are organized and also enriching - is a big part of my religious devotion.  In Heathenry, your family's honor is incredibly important - it is simultaneously your legacy and your gift to your ancestors.  Caring for my children, loving them, and teaching them the ways of my ancestors is an offering to those who have gone before.  It is also an offering to those I will leave behind.

Three Kindred Essay

The Three Kindred are, in my opinion, the most essential piece of ADF Druidry.  Honoring ancestors, spirits of place, and gods and goddesses was an essential part of the Paganism of the Indo-Europeans.  Though perhaps the ancient Indo-Europeans did not fit the spirits they encountered into boxes as neat as we do today, they are nonetheless helpful categories to aid our understanding of IE spirituality.

The Gods and Goddesses are considered the most powerful kind of spirits by most Indo-European cultures.  Called the Déiwōs, which translates to "Shining Ones" in the reconstructed Proto-Indo-European language (Ár nDraíocht Féin [ADF], 2009, p. 69), the Gods and Goddesses are humanity's allies, and sometimes, friends.  Their power is certainly much greater than our own; many Gods are described as having gifts of foresight or magic, and others are said to possess tremendous strength unthinkable to a human.  They are also immortal, a class of being that does not have a permanent physical form or experience death in the way that living things with bodies do.  Nonetheless, the Gods have chosen to take an interest in humanity, as evidenced by their ongoing interaction with both our Indo-European ancestors and the Pagan community at large today. 

At the center of an ADF Druid's relationship to the Gods is the Proto-Indo-European concept of *ghosti, which means "someone with whom one has reciprocal duties of hospitality" (ADF, 2009, p. 21).  The idea is that gifts to the Gods and Goddesses of Indo-European pantheons begin a relationship of reciprocity, in which the Gods and Goddesses are then encouraged by the concept of hospitality to bestow gifts and blessings on their worshippers.  The nature of this relationship is not exactly tit-for-tat; but instead each member gives according to his or her means.  This means that while a Druid may pour out a shot of mid-range alcohol with a prayer to a God or Goddess, that being will reciprocate in a way worth much more than ten minutes and fifteen dollars; because the resources available to that God or Goddess is much greater than the Druid's.

It is also the duty of the Shining Ones to maintain the cosmic order of things.  Most Gods and Goddesses have specific parts of human culture or the world at large that they have jurisdiction over or are associated with.  For instance, the Norse God Tyr is often looked to in matters of justice, or the Gaulish God Ogmios associated with eloquence and public speaking.  In many pantheons and Indo-European myths, the Gods and Goddesses are shown fighting or at war with a more primal kind of spirit, more chaotic and much less favoring towards humanity; in ADF these spirits are usually identified as the Outsiders.  The Shining Ones fight or distance themselves from these spirits to maintain the balance of the cosmos.

The Spirits of Nature are perhaps the most diverse, and therefore difficult to classify, of the Kindred.  There are spirits of land and place, house spirits, plant and animal spirits, and in some IE cultures, even specific rocks are said to have spirits.   These spirits also seem the most ambivalent towards humanity - unlike the Ancestors or Gods, many of these spirits are hostile towards people, and will not seek a relationship (ADF, 2009, p. 42).  On the other hand, since these spirits are not as powerful as the Gods, for some it is easier to build a close, friendly relationship with them.  Some Germanic peoples, for example, believed that plants had spirits and were useful in healing because of this (Gundarsson, 2007, p. 28).

It is my personal opinion that the hostility of many nature spirits towards humanity may have been overstated or caused by a Christianized population.  It is often mentioned in Irish folklore, for example, that offerings were frequently left out for the Fair Folk - and any offerings missed or stopped were met with anger (Evans-Wentz, 2003, p. 291).  It seems to likely to me that tales of angry or hostile Nature spirits may largely be a result of offerings, once frequently given by the local people, stopped and the spirits themselves renounced in the name of the new god.  In any case, I have found my local nature and house spirits to be receptive to offerings; and though I always extend any overtures with caution, I have yet to experience any negative consequences from attempting friendship with these spirits.

Nature Spirits are the least mobile of the Kindred, though there are a few Icelandic tales of house wights (troublesome or friendly) following a family to their new residence (Gundarsson, 2007).  Spirits of my local park, for example, are best honored in their place of residence; it is unlikely that one would be able to reach them in a far-away city.  However, I have also found that in many cases, land spirits know and interact with one another; so that if for some reason I wanted to relay a message or feeling to a spirit in my local park, I could address the spirit of the Platte River basin and ask that spirit to pass the message along (though whether it would choose to or not is debatable). 

Just as there are many pantheons of Gods and Goddesses and many kinds of Nature Spirits, there are also many kinds of Ancestors.  Though all humans who have passed from this life and their mortal bodies are Ancestors, and all are honored when we call on them, there are of course some who are singled out for greater honor and closer relation to Druidry and individuals today.

The first and most obvious are Ancestors of Blood, those whose DNA directly contributed to making us who we are.  Contrary to a popular modern belief about the unimportance of "sperm donors" or "egg carriers", the DNA of our family plays a big part in our personalities, character traits, and areas of struggle in our lives.  Equally important, however, are Ancestors of Culture - those Ancestors that we choose to honor or take on because of their actions or important contributions to either modern or ancient society as a whole.  For instance, though I have no idea if she is an ancestor of blood, I honor the Celtic warrior-woman Boudicca as an ancestor of culture because of her heroism and bravery in a time when women had a great deal less power than today.  I also honor the ancestors of my adopted father as ancestors of culture - though they did not contribute to my DNA, I gained them as ancestors when my father took me as his child.

Though we often think of ancestors as far-distant figures of the past, or great Heroes of long ago, it is also important to remember our Ancestors who have only recently passed.  One important ancestor to all of ADF Druidry is Isaac Bonewits, who I am sure continues to guide and watch over his organization and its members from the otherworld.  Though limited in life, the beliefs of the Indo-Europeans tell us that in death, people gain a degree of might, magic, and foresight that rests somewhere between the Gods and men.  Praying and offering to the ancestors is often just as effective as praying to the Gods - perhaps even more so, as the ancestors are kin, who have a vested interest in seeing their relations healthy and happy.

The Three Kindred - Ancestors, Nature Spirits, and Shining Ones - are all equally important to the faith of ADF-style Druidry.  Each one of the Kindred brings unique attributes that are helpful to humanity in some way or another, and also helps us to understand the wider world and otherworld in a more complete way.

Ár nDraíocht Féin, (2009). Our Own Druidry. 1st ed. United States: ADF Publishing.

Kvedulf Gundarsson, (2007). Elves, Wights, and Trolls. 1st ed. United States: iUniverse.

W.Y. Evans Wentz, (2003). The Fairy Faith in Celtic Countries: The Classic Study of Leprechauns, Pixies, and Other Fairy Spirits. United States: Citadel.

High Holy Day Essay: Samhain

I ended up attending a few more functions put on by Pagans of Nebraska, and it was there that I met fellow ADF member Amber Doty, at the time the only other ADF member in Nebraska. We talked about starting up a group, and it was on the 18th of October that Prairie Shadow Protogrove was born. Our first ritual was held at Samhain. Amber wrote the ritual with a Hellenic hearth culture, and the ritual was focused mainly on the Ancestors. There was a processional between two sticks of incense into the ritual area, held in Amber's large and open backyard. After the processional was a brief meditation, followed by prayers of welcome and offerings to Gaia, the Earth Mother. Offerings were made to the Fire, Well, and Tree, Hermes was called as the Gatekeeper, and there was another brief guided meditation for opening the Gates. The Kindreds were welcomed and offered to. For the main body of the ritual, the participants were invited to talk about their Ancestors; Amber told us about a man named Dale, a friend of hers who had passed on but inspired her to found Prairie Shadow Protogrove. The final offerings were made, a favorable omen was taken, and cider was used as the Waters of Life, held up and blessed by all the Kindred. The Waters were taken around the half-circle that had formed, and poured for each person. The Kindreds were thanked, the Gates were closed with another meditation, Gaia was thanked, and the rite was closed.

 This was my first group ADF rite. While it wasn't without its flaws, most of these were natural to a first-time ritual with any group. The energy was not as present as I had felt in other rituals, but no one was visibly distracted or not paying attention. The Fire had some problems staying lit when several offerings were poured on it in a row, a lesson we took to heart for the next ritual. Honestly, it was so refreshing to be doing ADF ritual, pretty obviously written for a group of people, with an actual group of people! I know there are many solitaries who happily use the Core Order of Ritual, but I could never quite make it feel right for myself - but in a group of 10-12, it seemed that just the right dynamics were present. The energy created by Amber and I's excitement at the group's first ritual was strong enough to overcome the hurdles that we discovered along the way.

Samhain with Prairie Shadow Protogrove, ADF

Photo by Shanda Hahn Kinkade

The day was clear and warm-ish, and the space for our ritual was huge and green, covered with a smattering of fallen autumn leaves.  It really was the best possible setting one could want for a Samhain ritual in Nebraska.  I'd met Amber, the Protogrove founder, a few times before at various places around town, and a little meet-and-greet held at her house a few weeks beforehand.  I don't think I've ever met anyone so passionate about an organization and a community as she is.  When I arrived at her house a few hours before the ritual, she was bringing out tables to be used as altars and a giant tote full of offerings, decorations, and various other ritual necessities.  In the next few hours we did some cooking (as my clumsy self destroyed her kitchen!) and lots of set-up as her husband built the fire we'd be using.  Others began to arrive, and a community was being built.

Photo by Shanda Hahn Kinkade

Prairie Shadow Protogrove is a brand-new group, the first official branch of ADF in Nebraska.  The ritual we were setting up for was the very first: a new beginning in a season usually thought of for its endings.  A smattering of people from the local Pagan community attended - including some friends from Nebraska Heathens United - one person drove in from out of state, and another nearby ADF member came out to join us.  The ritual was Hellenic, inviting Hestia and Gaea, and Hermes as our gatekeeper.  I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Hestia, and was especially happy to welcome the Goddess of hearth and home to help build and strengthen our little community.  For the main body of the ritual, we honored our ancestors of blood, land, and hearth - Amber spoke about her old friend Dale, and how he had once inspired her to begin a Druid group here in Nebraska; Prairie Shadow Protogrove, named after his old production company, is the realization of a dream they shared years ago.  There were some others in attendance who had known him also; even though I never knew him, the outpouring of emotion and memories of him was so strong I was brought to tears.  It was my job to pull the omen, asking the Kindreds if our offerings were accepted and what blessings they would give to us in return.  I pulled the King of Cups (the outpouring of love and remembrance for Dale was most pleasing), and the Nine of Cups, showing a content man with all he had ever wanted; the Kindreds gifted us with blessings of happiness and contentment in our lives.  We passed out the waters of life (or the cider of life, in this case!), drank deeply, and thanked all those who had come.  For a first foray into ritual, Prairie Shadow Protogrove did quite well!

After ritual, we had a potluck and lots of community-building.  Watching some friends I'd gotten to know recently meet one another was amazing, and getting to know some new faces was perhaps the best part!  I'm always up for a good religious conversation - especially when my husband gets tired of listening to me enumerate the differences between the Morrigan and Macha - and there was plenty to be had.  I honestly couldn't have been happier with how the day went, and couldn't be more thankful to everyone who helped put it together - setting up, writing liturgy, or simply bringing their presence.  It was an amazing day, and a wonderful start to what will hopefully be a long tradition for Prairie Shadow Protogrove.

Family Samhain Adventure

I was reading an interesting post this week on the nature of Samhain, and its two-fold nature.  The night of Halloween, the author proposes, is about local community; with all the kids out trick-or-treating.  Samhain itself, the day of November 1st, is about the historical community - those who have passed on.  My family and I have celebrated in this way for the past three years or so, but I've never quite been able to articulate how trick-or-treating is related to my religious practices!

Walking around the neighborhood on the 31st, we get to see many neighbors that rarely get more than a passing 'hello' through the rest of the year.  There were several of my oldest daughter's classmates walking around this year, and many parents that I had talked to waiting to pick her up from school.  It really was a night where the local community came together to create fun for all of the children.

The next day, November 1st, we woke up early to gather offerings for our ancestors.  In past years, I've made bits of pie for my women ancestors (big pie makers!) and brought tobacco for the men; but this year my middle daughter insisted that we make and bring cookies!  With my recipe book (with the family recipe for the best chocolate chip cookies ever) still in a box somewhere, we instead made sugar cookies - a big Christmas tradition in my family.  Since the weather was so beautiful this year, we made it out to three different places and honored many of our ancestors: my grandfather-in-law, my great-grandparents and their siblings, and we even managed to find the graves of my great-great-great grandparents who came over from Germany with their young son in the 1800s.  At each of these places, we would sit for a while, offering the ancestors cookies and water (too many alcoholics in my family to bring anything harder), and talk about memories of them - and in the case of those more distant in time, things I had learned about them and how they are related to us.  I was so pleased this year when I began telling a story about my great-grandpa and my oldest remembered it exactly, and was able to finish the story for her younger siblings.  It really hit home at that moment that I am creating a tradition - that part of the job of first-generation Pagan parents is creating a tradition.  I can talk about tribal ways and the deep love and loyalty for family until I'm blue in the face; but my children are really learning it through the traditions and actions that I'm passing down to them.  Even if they grow up to find another religion - and, realistically, they probably won't be Heathens or Druids as adults - they will remember the stories.  They will remember where they came from, and how it is such a large part of who they are.  Even if they don't grow up to worship Thunor or Brigid, they may still come in the fall to put flowers on the graves of their ancestors, and tell their children the stories.